Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
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