I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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