Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Randomize
