who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
