note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
