the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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