i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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