we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
