since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
