I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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