Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
