He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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