Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Randomize
