dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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