After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
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