lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Randomize
