stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Can vaginas get frostbite?
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
