Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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