Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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