Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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