somebody snuck up and got me drunk
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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