So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
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