Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
