walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
