I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Randomize
