as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
