her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
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