Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Randomize
