She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
