You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
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