im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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