she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
