If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
im holly from the hills drunk
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
no you cant smoke seaweed
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize