I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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