After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
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