I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
