i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
