I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
