just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
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