Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
