Yo dont text me then not text me
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
