I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
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