He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I believe in your delicious
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Randomize
