The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
