girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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