R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
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