Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Randomize
