i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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