my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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