i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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