I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
