I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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