I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
