Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
