Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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