it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
