im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
